A Life-Changing Conversation

Since childhood, you were told not to lie. Chances are, you were never told how to be honest.

Feb 12, 2022
A Life-Changing Conversation

by Brian Curtis, Ph.D.

A life-changing conversation.

As a child, you were told not to lie.

Chances are, however, you were never told how to be honest.

There are certain conversations that can change your life.

"We've been together for 2 years now, and there's something I want to ask you..."

"Mom, Dad, I need to tell you something. For as long as I can remember, I've known that I was different..." 

"I've been at this company for 5 years. I value this work, but I need to talk to you about my salary moving forward..."

"Honey, we need to talk. I've been carrying this secret for so long, and I need to tell you something..."

The moment we recognize that there are more and less effective ways to propose marriage, to come out to our parents, to ask for a raise, or to apologize for breaking our marital vows, we immediately unlock new doors to deepen our relationships and move towards our values-based goals.

Here are two scenarios: 

1) You walk into your bosses office and wing it. You're good at your job. You deserve a raise. You're not sure how much, but definitely more than Steve.

2) You spend time reflecting on your values. You get specific about what you want in this interaction with your boss. You write out a script  describing the facts of the situation leading to your asking for a raise, expressing your feelings and thoughts about this situation, and confidently asking for a raise while specifying the amount with specific reasons for why this is justified based on your contribution and worth. You spend time considering how your boss and company will benefit directly from giving you this raise and retaining you as an employee. You weigh the pros and cons of asking for a raise given likely outcomes of the interaction. You plan ahead for how you will react and respond to various replies your boss may offer. You take the time to rehearse and role-play this interaction to ensure you are confident and well prepared to have this conversation.

It can be life-changing to realize that getting your needs met, deepening your relationships, and keeping your self respect while doing so involves a series of skills that can be learned and practiced.

Do you have any important questions to ask, needs to be met, or secrets to tell?

How might your life change if you adopted scenario #2 for these future interactions rather than simply winging it and hoping for the best? 

It's worth finding out.

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